Therapy assignment: learning to go outside again

Yes - you read that right - LEARNING. I haven't set a foot outside since the beginning of september. I can't get myself to do it. Even before september I can count my outings on 2 hands. 

I haven't even been on our terrace for weeks. Not that the weather is nice enough to sit outside and as we live in an appartment we don't have a garden or anything. 

Thank the lord that my parents - and especially my dad does the shopping. 

I'm so damn scared to get covid. I'm even more scared for my parents to get covid. That's why my parents being outside and doing the shopping is really hard on me. It makes me feel even more guilty. 

I just can't do it. The anxiety around it is numbing me. 

Even going down the stairs in our block (because I have to take the railing) or taking the elevator is a no go. 

My parents have given up. They've asked me numerous times if I want to go for a walk. I always decline. Even my therapist and I have agreed that I have to try and go down the stairs, but I've even failed them. 

I really hope covid will be gone soon and with that my freedom will return but I know it will probably not be that easy. My fear of going outside (mostly going to stores and public places) is present much longer then covid but our new reality multiplied that fear by 100!

But hey, if I can't hope, what do I have left?


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