One step forward and two steps back

Last weekend and the first few days this week I was coping pretty well. I was feeling ok and there were never tears threatening to spill. I had a minor obstacle on Saturday but I dealt with it and thankfully I already had a good day, so it didn't push me over the edge.

And then Tuesday to Wednesday night happened. I woke up startled by my mother who was shouting our dog's name. She had heard a noise and had run to our living room. We still don't know exactly what happened but she found our dog half unconscious lying on her side next to the table leg. We don't know if she woke up, wasn't alert enough and because of that fell off the couch and stumbled to the table and fell over, or she woke up, jumped off the couch and ran into the table leg. We don't know. Fact is that everyone was awake and I was shaking like a leaf.

I have always been afraid of the night. When something was wrong in our extended family, or someone got sick, it always happens / happened at night. My 3 grandparents died deep in the night and in October of 2019 a situation occured at night that made me even more scared of losing someone I love and of the night in general. So the moment I heard my mother's cry something broke inside me and even though our dog seemed pretty ok after a few moments, I kept shaking well into the morning. Wednesday was ruined of me.

Thursday we heard - at noon - from our neighbour that his wife had a fever and needed to get tested for Covid. It's obligatory in Belgium that when someone who you live with has signs or needs to be tested, that you also have to stay inside. But no, he had already went groceryshopping that morning, had used the elevator multiple times and was walking without a mask in the common parts of our apartment building. If you've read some of my previous posts, you know I'm horrified to get sick and even more so for my parents. 

I really don't know what to do. I have to get through the next 24 hours (I'm writing this on thursday) but I have no idea how. I hope that writing this blog post can give me some perspective or at least give me a way to organise my thoughts. That's why I've started this blog in the first place, so....


Update on saturday: the test was negative - it put my mind at ease a little bit! 



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