Hello darkness, my old friend

Almost every night for the past few weeks I have cried myself to sleep. 

 Why? 

 Well every evening when I start my bedtime routine I'm remembered nothing has changed and I'm still alone and lonely. 

 Every night I'm reminded that noone will ever love me - why would they? 
 I'm fat. 
 I'm ugly. 
 I struggle with my mental health - for years now.
 Because of that I'm not always easy to be around or to be with. Hell I can't even stand myself most times.
 I don't go out.
 I still live at home. 
 I don't have a lot of friends. 
 I will probably never be able to have kids. 
 ...
The list is endless. 

 This new mental breakdown all started because I watched something and was charmed by one of the characters. I started searching for all things around him, the person portaying that character, and became more and more interested. 
A few weeks later and I have a major crush on him. Yes, I know - how, when it's someone you don't even know? 
 But that's the thing, I have the feeling I've known him my whole life. 
 I love his passion, his humour, his childlike manners, his vulnerability. That's what I'm looking for in a guy. And because I fall in love easily and always with guys I definitely can't have. And those eyes..... I have always had a thing for black/dark brown hair and brown eyes. 

 What I'm trying to say is that I'm so jealous of his wife, his family, his life,... To me that's my dreamlife. Living with the man that you have loved for xx amount of years and still love, with your 2 beautiful kids and your dog, doing things your passionate about, surrounded by love and in a country that's a little more 'worldly' than the one I live in. 

 So every day I get up and think 'hopefully today will bring something different' and every day I go to bed and nothing has changed. 

 And that's all my own fault!

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