MsAlwaysLeftStruggles

The last week I’ve had pretty good days.  I really need to write this down so I can look back on it when the dark clouds are returning.  I felt human again, almost normal. My will to fight is back. I want to get better, I want to make plans for when all Covid sh*t is over. I want to cross things of my bucket list. I'm well aware that Covid ending will not mean my GAD wil dissapear too. I've struggled more years before that then I was aware of. When I read back the posts on my social media (hello throwback / memories) I'm reminded that this war I'm fighting has been going on for over a decade.  A special thank you for the last few days to my good friend (you know who you are) and a well done to myself for persevering in putting down my thoughts and continuing to write my story. So future me who's having a hard time: you've experienced good days before and they will come back! One step at a time!  YOU GOT THIS! 

Almost all people that have anxiety / GAD / depression / ... have situations, subjecs, words, things,... that will stir up or worsen said thing. It differs for everyone and sometimes there isn't even anything specific you can pinpoint it to.  I had a conversation yesterday with a colleague and without them knowing it, he triggered my anxiety twice within 5 minutes. Of course I could tell everyone what they can't talk about, or what situation I can't be in, but that isn't fair on them and it isn't fair on me either. I have to learn to cope with these triggers and try to dismantle them. If everyone I talk to has to watch what they are saying, conversations will fall flat sooner rather than later.  Of course the circumstances I experience the trigger in, is also of importance. When I have a good day I can manage a trigger better then on days where I'm already feeling anxious.  I know I have to be careful with the following things: - pregnancy - stomach flu - people...

 Social media, the one thing it seems we cannot live without anymore.  I was (and maybe partly still am) the same. First thing in the morning was to check Facebook - I could've missed something serious in the few hours I was asleep. Something that really needed my attention. Of course that was and is utter bullshit. There is nothing on there that I NEEDED to know or NEEDED to fix.  I was 'friends' with lots of people, liked way too many pages and was a member of an endless amount of groups. I was feeling like it took more and more of my attention and I always felt like I couldn't keep up.  Last year Facebook was the medium that really pulled me down, I got triggered every other post, if not from a friend's post or a post from one of the media pages I followed. And I'm not even thinking about the reactions I read on those posts. Those were even worse for me. I was also someone who posted multiple times a day. I felt like I needed to do that and I never got much f...

Every day is a battle with myself.  Some battles I lose. Some battles I win. Some battles I’m fighting over and over again. Some battles never come back. Some battles are not worth fighting over. Some battles are worth fighting for. Sometimes I need to lose a battle. Sometimes I need to win a battle. Sometimes I have to pick my battles for the day. Sometimes I battle them all that day. BUT losing a battle doesn’t mean I’m losing the war. I will keep fighting!

Last weekend and the first few days this week I was coping pretty well. I was feeling ok and there were never tears threatening to spill. I had a minor obstacle on Saturday but I dealt with it and thankfully I already had a good day, so it didn't push me over the edge. And then Tuesday to Wednesday night happened. I woke up startled by my mother who was shouting our dog's name. She had heard a noise and had run to our living room. We still don't know exactly what happened but she found our dog half unconscious lying on her side next to the table leg. We don't know if she woke up, wasn't alert enough and because of that fell off the couch and stumbled to the table and fell over, or she woke up, jumped off the couch and ran into the table leg. We don't know. Fact is that everyone was awake and I was shaking like a leaf. I have always been afraid of the night. When something was wrong in our extended family, or someone got sick, it always happens / happened at nigh...

Yes - you read that right - LEARNING. I haven't set a foot outside since the beginning of september. I can't get myself to do it. Even before september I can count my outings on 2 hands.  I haven't even been on our terrace for weeks. Not that the weather is nice enough to sit outside and as we live in an appartment we don't have a garden or anything.  Thank the lord that my parents - and especially my dad does the shopping.  I'm so damn scared to get covid. I'm even more scared for my parents to get covid. That's why my parents being outside and doing the shopping is really hard on me. It makes me feel even more guilty.  I just can't do it. The anxiety around it is numbing me.  Even going down the stairs in our block (because I have to take the railing) or taking the elevator is a no go.  My parents have given up. They've asked me numerous times if I want to go for a walk. I always decline. Even my therapist and I have agreed that I have to try and g...